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Home > The guilt is eating me!!

The guilt is eating me!!

September 5th, 2007 at 12:30 pm

I was lucky enough to stay at home with my 2 children for 2 years. I've been back in the workforce for a little over 1 year. Not a day goes by that I don't daydream about those days that I spent with my kids. My job pays pretty well, but it provides little enjoyment.

Here's the cycle I'm stuck in: bring my kids to the babysitter in the morning...watch my 4 year old wave at me through the window...get through work somehow...pick up my kids...go home and begin preparing dinner...watch my kids play together while I finish cooking/cleaning. It used to be me playing with them and teaching them how to play with one another. Now I'm so tired that I can barely get it together enough to feed them. While at work, I daydream about the good old days and what they're doing at the babysitter and when I get home I'm too worn out to make up for it.

The ironic thing is that while I was at home with them I racked up some debt. Now I have to work so that I can pay that debt and I no longer have the option of staying home. Even if the debt was paid, I would still have to work to pay bills. So now, I have even more guilt because I essentially created my own trap.

Will I ever get past this? Can I ever just accept that I have to work and that it is not possible to stay home with my kids?

3 Responses to “The guilt is eating me!!”

  1. graceleigh Says:

    How old is your youngest? I know it's hard but at least with the 4 year old they would be going to school in year anyway. Don't beat yourself up- everyone has "debt mistakes" and be glad you had the two years at home with them!

  2. Ima saver Says:

    I agree, don't beat yourself up, at least you were home when they were babies!

  3. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:

    Oh dear. I already had a tear in my eyes from Sicily Yoder's blog and now this pushes me over the edge: I feel so sad for you. When a parent really wants to be there so completely for their children, I really wish it could be done!

    Just a little idea--if you are totally worn out by your work day and think that maybe others in the same job would not be, please consider your health. Is there perhaps something not optimal about your health that could be changed to make your energy level better? I went through a period when my kid was 7-ish to 9-ish when I was totally exhausted by 3pm, even though I might have slept late. It was really hard for me to do what needed to be done and to be as present to my child as I wanted. It turned out I had a medical problem that needed attention. Now, due to some medical intervention, I could run circles around the old me.

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